Chat

12/8/24

Can I sit down?

I been workin all day

Just need a minute

To talk to someone

If anyone would listen

I can’t handle this pain

These voices

These demons

I heard that all the bars in hell close at 10

after 10 is when they come for me

Must be a coincidence

It’s kinda funny haha

How everything happens to be like that

When I said I liked it rough I didn’t mean my whole life

I don’t even know what I need

Just this feeling that something is wrong

And I don’t know how to fix it or change it

Mental health is such bullshit

I feel like shit

But the only way to not feel like shit

Is to force myself to take care of myself and actually get stuff done

But I can’t

Because I feel like shit

And it just keeps going

I hate how everyone labels

I say I have depression and

They automatically assume I’m suicidal

Or hurt myself

Or am hurting

But

Depression

Can be smiling

Through the pain

I shut my eyes

And squeeze my head

And try to breathe

The tears still come

No matter how hard I try to stop them

It scares me how

I’m on so many medications

And still feel like this

Like

What’s the point even?

But isn’t that the question everyone asks?

What everyone is looking for?

Why even bother if I wind up like this at the end of the day

What’s wrong with me?

Where I have so much to be proud of

I help people and I make them smile

I write and people love it

I sing and people smile

I have people who love me and care about me

And I still feel like this

I can get what I want done

I can see friends

Help people

And at the end of the day?

I look at the very same meds that are supposed to help me

And wonder how many would it take to kill me stop the pain

When I was little

I thought that if I covered my eyes

The world would stop

Or that I was invisible

“I can’t see you

So you can’t see me”

I wish that were true still

I’m so tired of this

Tired of feeling like this

Tired of no matter what I do

The same line

“You’ll ruin it for everybody in the end

Won’t you?”

Someone once told me

That you can only bleed

From one place in your body at a time

But

Even as a child

I knew that wasn’t true

Does that even make sense?

This is why we can’t have nice things