Anything You Want

3/11/2025

How do you tell someone that you can’t even shave

because you know damn well what will

happen if you had a blade in your hand?

Where do I even begin?

I don’t even know anymore

I just feel so done

I’m exhausted and I have no idea

what to do about it

I’m sorry and I’m apologizing to nobody

But I’m

still sorry.

I’m trying my best and not succeeding

I just feel like a waste of space

I don’t understand how people see me as this

lovable confident person

I can’t understand

How could I?

Why should I?

My own father doesn’t even want me

I feel like shit when I’m home

I feel like shit when I’m at school

There’s nowhere I can go where I don’t want to disappear

There’s nothing that fixes it either

Sometimes I’ll be fine and be a

normal person

And then sometimes I can’t even

get out of bed

I hate this I hate it so much

I hate being like this

I wish I was normal

I wish I could be happy

I wish I could love myself the way other people love me

I don’t understand

None of this was my choice

I never asked for any of it

any of the baggage the trauma the disabilities I just

Cry and cry and cry and nobody even knows

Would they even care if they did

I just don’t even know anymore

I’m exhausted and I can’t even sleep

I just keep thinking about the past and

the future and I cry silently knowing that

nobody would know if I disappeared

Would it matter?

Would I have mattered?

People wonder about heaven and hell and I

Laugh because even if there’s a heaven I certainly won’t be going there and even hell won’t want me

And I check constantly to see if people texted me I

Am constantly disappointed

I can’t even cry loudly because that would be

drawing attention to myself and making it about me

I can’t even talk to anyone because I

just become more of a burden than I already am.

I don’t understand why I feel this way

Why can’t I just let it go and be happy

I don’t understand.

I don’t want to feel like this

I never wanted to feel like this

I never asked to be like this

I never wanted to have this inside me

These voices and these demons

I don’t

I can’t

I won’t ever

My own father didn’t want me

What makes you so sure you do

What reason do I have to believe you’re not lying to me

Like everyone else was

I can fix everyone else

I can deal with everyone else’s problems

I can make them feel valid

But I can’t even tell myself it’s

okay to cry

Crying myself to sleep seems so natural now

Holding in the sobs to make sure no one hears

Just something you learn how to do

Takes practice

I promise to be better

I promise to try harder

Cry less

Talk less

Eat less

Be less

Anything you want

Anything you need