For You, Sir

Dear sir,

 

Things in my head there are many, sir

Thoughts running loose like chickens on a farm, sir

So I thought, sir

Writing them out to you would make it better, sir

I’ll only take a moment of your time, sir

That’s all I ask, sir

A moment of your time, sir

 

Before I begin, sir

Please look back, sir

To the years when it was golden, sir

To the years in a small house in the middle of nowhere, sir

When we were all together, sir

Do you remember, sir?

Remember my first words, sir?

Remember my first steps, sir?

Remember my first bike, sir?

Now I would like you to stop remembering, sir

There is more to discuss, sir

Let's talk about you, sir

 

You, my father, who taught me to ride a bike

You, my father, who would film me pushing a toy

You, my father, for whom I made a sign

A sign that you flip day and night

Do you remember it sir?

I do, sir, I do

You, my father, to whom I’d climb up four flights of stairs every morning before school

You, my father, who promised me every day you’d play with me

You, my father, from whom I learned what empty promises were

You, my father, who held me down onto my bed in a fit of rage

You, my father, who screamed in my face until I was paralyzed with fear

You, my father, who struck me for fighting with my sibling

You, my father, from who I learned what true fear was

Now let's talk about me for a moment, sir

 

Me, your daughter, who learned math for hours with you to be with you

Me, your daughter, who learned how to code late at night from you 20,000 miles away

Me, your daughter, who remembers doing my homework as fast as I could to wait for you

Wait for you to come down from your office

To play with me

Do you recall it, sir?

I do, sir, I do

Me, your daughter, who sat in a bathtub that night shaking too much to do anything

Me, your daughter, who almost jumped out the window of your house

Me, your daughter, who is scared to death of going back to that place

Me, your daughter, who signed up for a robotics team to impress you

Me, your daughter, who tries every day to live up to your expectations

 

I mean no disrespect, sir

But as you can see, sir

There is a lot more than just math and science in my head, sir

These thoughts these memories haunt me, sir

They whisper to me at night, sir

They plague my dreams, sir

Allow me to put things into perspective, sir

 

It was me, not you, who got hit by my father

It is me, not you, who looks in the mirror each day

Wondering why I'm not good enough for you

It was me, not you, who joined a robotics team for my father

It is me, not you, who tried to make you proud

To be the child you’d love and be respect of

It is me, not you, who bares my skin every night

To count the scars that little my chest, shoulders, and arms

The number that grows every night

The scars that mark me

These scars that define my journey

These scars I will bear forever as a token of your attention

Just like your name, sir

On my birth certificate I have your name, sir

Is it a blessing or a curse, sir

One could argue either way, sir

It is me, not you, who fills the void where you should be

Fills it with music, and art, and phone calls to people everywhere in the world

Fills it with love from others but not from you

 

It took me 16 years to come to this realization, sir

That I have no need for a father like you

That what you have done doesn’t decide my future

That I forge my own path

Of my own free will

I am who I am because of my past

And I’ve come to terms with that

I would be fine without you

I am loved by my family and friends

I have people who care about me

I don’t need you anymore

Right?

 

So why can’t I let go?

Why do these thoughts haunt me?

Why am I not good enough for you?

Is it because I was born a woman?

Or is it because I am stronger now?

Why do I want you in my life

Haven’t I learned from the past?

Its because I love you

You, the man who’s hurt me all my life

I love you

Tell me what to do to get you to love me too

And to love me right

Because I want us to work

I want to fix us

Before it’s too late

Please try to see it my way, sir

Help me understand you, sir

I mean no harm, sir

Please hear that, sir

I just want to stop this, sir

 

Love, your daughter